It’s all happening!

OK OK, it’s been an unacceptable amount of time since we’ve posted. But hear me out! 2013-2014 were crazy years for both of us, including some but not all of the following:

- Divorce
- New baby
- Commercial space travel
- A mild but annoying case of the hiccups
- New job
- Collapse of a personal enterprise
- Orange is the New Black
- An intense freelance project
- A regrettable lapse in subscription to Martha Stewart Living (for ONE of us, anyway)
- A regrettable lapse in interest in cooking, crafting, being cheerful, mocking a well-known celebrity, or anything at all, except watching our kids grow and drinking a lot of wine after they go to bed

But now, life has settled down. and we’re ready to get really mediocre about being domestic again, beginning with the certifiably insane October 2014 issue of everyone’s favorite magazine.

Halloween, as everyone’s supposed to know, is Martha’s favorite holiday. Each year, she attempts to motivate the rest of us to do ourselves up in fantastical costumes. Or, if we have things to do that take up our precious costume-making time, we can just use whatever we have around us. We won’t look nearly as cool, but you don’t get Martha points for showing up costume-less.

My son, Archie, will be a little builder, and I, Susan, will be Woman Who Travels With This Little Builder, Furtively Taking Candy Out Of His Bag. I like costumes that involve throwing things together from already existing objects in your house. Full disclosure: I did buy Archie a tool belt about a month ago with the intent to use it for this costume, but it’s become one of his favorite toys. That’s exciting, as it is not a truck. Anyway, it now counts as one of the things I have thrown together with the rest of his outfit to turn him into a bonafide miniature construction worker. Joke’s on him when I give him a list of things I need done around the house.

The October issue isn’t all about fake spiders and spray-painting pumpkins in lacy patterns. Gosh, no. It also involves Kevin Sharkey as a masked phantom and a big feature on homemade applesauce, which is one of my favorite things. (I scoff at the idea that Martha thinks she can top my mother, though.)

It also just barely includes some recipes! Such as this one for Spanish Rice with Ground Beef and Eggs!

 

Eggs_dinner

Eggs on top of dinner

I’ve got a real thing for eggs on top of dinner. I don’t know what it is. The idea should be so gross, but it’s incredibly delicious, especially when the yolk runs into everything else. Guys! I don’t know!? Humans have weird tastes!

Of course, I substituted brown rice for white and veggie crumbles for the beef, but the results were great, easy, and lasted me through several days of meals.

If you do plan to eat this meal as leftovers, just only do the egg step for the amount you’re going to eat tonight, save the rest of the rice mixture in the fridge. Then, heat up the rice by itself, or throw it into the oven with an egg on top. Bing, bang, boom!

To substitute brown rice, parboil the rice for 12 minutes beforehand. Then, use as directed! Much better for you and tastier too, if you ask me. Which you did, by virtue of reading this far.

We’re back, Martha! I mean, I guess you’ve always been back, but here I am, back also!

Birds of a…

[Editor's Note: I drafted this three weeks ago but forgot to publish, because FALL IS CRAZY AND NO ONE CAN ENJOY IT PROPERLY.]

In November, Kevin Sharkey recommended stuffing some stray feathers and nuts into a bell jar to decorate for Thanksgiving, like so…

Feather Centerpiece

Cut to my dining room sideboard, which sported a VERY SIMILAR feather ‘n glass thing long before Sharkey’s piece.

My Feather Centerpiece

Bell jar. Wine carafe. Whatever. The thing is too heavy for me to lift, so it gets feathers (apologies to Mike and Ritsuko. It’s still a great gift!)

Point is, Sharkey and I - in addition to using the same skin care products – are basically related.

Gluten is bad; Brownies are good.

Last night, Someone Who Will Remain Nameless (whose name rhymes with Romenick) hollered, “Gluten is the Devil!” as I reached for a mini biscuit at a fancy event that rhymes with Mystery Makers, to which I replied, “I just made gluten free brownies this weekend, so back off bub and pass the cheese balls!”   And those brownies were damn good. Possibly because they contain loads of sugar and cornstarch, but not ONE IOTA of gluten. No sir.

Romenick meant well. He really did. I forgive him. Make these today and get in on this gluten hate-fest.

Gluten-Free Fudgy Pecan Brownies

Ingredients

  • 6 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into pieces, plus more for pan
  • 1/3 cup cornstarch (spooned and leveled)
  • 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon fine salt
  • 12 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
  • 3 large eggs
  • 1 cup chopped toasted pecans

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly butter an 8-inch square baking pan and line with parchment paper, leaving a 2-inch overhang on all sides. Whisk together cornstarch, cocoa, cinnamon, and salt. In a large microwave-safe bowl, microwave butter and chocolate in 30-second increments, stirring each time, until melted and smooth, about 2 minutes. Stir in sugar and vanilla. Stir in eggs, one at a time, until combined. Add cornstarch mixture and stir vigorously until mixture is smooth and begins to pull away from side of bowl, about 2 minutes. Stir in pecans.
  2. Pour batter into pan and smooth top. Bake until a toothpick inserted in center comes out with a few moist crumbs attached, about 35 minutes, rotating pan halfway through. Let cool completely in pan on a wire rack. Using paper overhang, lift cake out of pan and cut into 16 squares.

The Kitchen Is Back!

I’ve been taught a lesson about blaspheming Martha. 

After all my chastising of Living for veering away from food in recent years, hold onto your whisks, everyone… April 2012 contained the perfect recipe. And I would have posted about it in the elapsed time between now and then, but I’ve been too busy making it over and over again. Guys, I may never make anything else ever again! 

Image

It’s a game-changer!

The magazine section involved seems to be a mad, mad mash-up of the old Cooking 101 and the (I GUESS) old What’s For Dinner, since I suppose we have to accept that the pull-out card section is now an entertaining feature. The new section is “Cooking. What’s for dinner?” or, more accurately, “COOKING what’s for dinner?” I can only surmise that the all-caps is meant to draw you in while the italics emphasize the giant hole in your heart where the good old days used to be.

 

I must admit, my bitter tears did nothing to water down my instant interest in this new Cwfd? section. Pasta is my favorite favorite comfort food, and I would happily lie atop a bed of angel hair at night and then eat the entire thing in the morning for breakfast. This article, “Rethink Your Pasta Routine” outlined the method of cooking pasta that sticklers for genuine Italian cooking insist upon: boiling it while you make the sauce, then finishing it in the sauce skillet so that the pasta can absorb the flavors (bonus: no colander washing and you can spoon pasta water directly into the sauce from the pot instead of throwing tap water in because you forgot to save some of it before you drained the pasta, which I would NEVER do, Martha).

All of the recipes looked good,* but the showstopper was Bucatini with Red Clam Sauce and Hot Pepper.

 Here is a metric I never knew existed until recently: This dinner takes less time to make than it will take your spouse to feed the baby and put him to bed. Wait, wait, let me go one better. This dinner takes less time to make than it does for your very capable spouse to put the easiest baby on Earth to bed. I speak the truth! I actually had to slow down my cooking process so that this delectable dish wouldn’t be ready too quickly.

 BUT CLAMS! Gross, right?

Image

That’s a lot of clamz

 Not at all! What’s more, they come in a can and are inexpensive, and if they’re on sale, I recommend stocking up. Because you’re gonna want to make this again. Bucatini (or perciatelli) is just like hollow spaghetti, which is good for a runny sauce like this because it allows the sauce to collect. But if you can’t find it, regular spaghetti will have to do (peasant).**

Image

Garlic and friends!

 Here’s my rundown:

  1. Sauté garlic and oregano in olive oil/boil pasta
  2. Add canned tomatoes, their juice, and juice from the canned clams
  3. Add clams and capers
  4. Add pasta
  5. Dunzo

Image

Saucin’.

Literally anyone can do this. And when I say “anyone,” I mean “It’d be cool if someone made this for me once in awhile although I guess I’m actually not all that resentful since it takes no effort.”

 Anyway, I’ve made it thrice, per my husband’s request (a rare and wonderful thing, as he cheerfully accepts everything I put in front of him and doesn’t give too much feedback).

Image

Like I said, dunzo.

In conclusion, I have clipped this recipe and added it to my binder of “recipes I would make again,” which now contains three recipes. You win this round, Martha.  

*I did try the Fusilli with Bacon, Onions, and Mushrooms, which was satisfying yet bland.

** JK. Kroger’s “Private Selection” makes perciatelli for like $0.99. It’s not the Rockefeller pasta or anything.

Martha Crosses Potomac; Signs New Cookbook

Gas up the car, Central Virginians. Our hero will be in Leesburg, Va, this Saturday signing her new cookbook, “Martha’s American Food.” I’m thinking Mother’s Day gift.

Book Signing Details

At a Costco, no less. Don’t they have Williams and Sonomas in Leesburg?

The cookbook, which is her 77th book (I had no idea), contains 200 recipes for food that “all Americans love to eat.” Arranged by region, the TOC promises chowder, ribs and fish tacos, as well as more Martha-grade dishes such as Whole-Wheat Spaghetti with Meyer Lemon, Arugula, and Pistachios, all with sidebars explaining the relationship of the dish to the region from which it hails. I can’t wait to see what she picks for Virginia. Please don’t let it be something related to ham.

 

Meringue Madness: A Cake That Uses All Your Eggs

The night before Easter, I had a dozen eggs and a choice: dye them neon per Martha’s suggestion in the April issue or use them in one of her egg white dessert recipes, also in the April issue. I didn’t have much use for a bowl of fluorescent-hued eggs except to make the world’s brightest batch of egg salad, but desserts are always welcome in this house, so Raspberry White Cake it was!

(Also, I friggin’ love raspberries.)

I had never made meringue frosting before and when I realized that this is basically the cake version of a Tastykake Jelly Krimpet, I considered bagging the frosting altogether because Krimpets rule. But frosting exists to a.) remind us why sugar and eggs were invented and b.) to cover up ungraceful cakes made by inattentive bakers like me. I used two different types of cake pans, so the layers look ridiculous, and went way overboard on the raspberry preserves between the layers. SHOOT ME. I was high on Easter candy.

I would still eat this as is.

But I had all these eggs just dying to be de-yoked and beaten within an inch of their lives, so I went for it. Five egg whites later, the result was not quite as elegant and bright white as Martha’s, which I think is because I heated the corn syrup a few degrees too high and burned it slightly. (That stuff heats up quickly!) I also think I beat the egg whites for a little too long so the stuff was a little fluffier than it should have been. It was like trying to ice a cake with a cloud. Meringue is a strange, strange thing.

A very tasty cloud though! In spite of my rookie mistakes and its less than perfect appearance, this cake tasted really, really good. At the behest of my mother, who conveniently showed up in time to help frost the cake and lick the beaters – a signature Howson move – I scrapped the coconut topping in favor of raspberries and lemon rind, but in hindsight I would keep the coconut.

Admittedly, the frosting was a good idea.

You're saying all the right things, cake.

Verdict: Marthable, but pay attention to the damn corn syrup!