Marthable

Monday, April 4th

Clean out gutters

Step 1: Try to remember what shape my gutters are even in

Step 2: Briefly consider getting on top of my front porch roof and using a broom or something.

Step 3: Realize that that sound outside is intense wind.

Step 4: Ask around for gutter cleaner reference.

Clean out gutters: check!

Weight training

Listen, I do Pilates on Wednesdays. WEDNESDAYS, Martha.

Tuesday, April 5th

Bring fresh eggs into the office

I actually know this is a thing that Martha does every year, thanks to being a Martha Stewart Living subscriber since I was embarrassingly young. No one needs to spend their 20s making cakes. Live it up, 25-year-olds, you can worry about your place later.

I do not have chickens from which to yank eggs, so I brought the next best thing: my mouse-killing skills. I have now killed three mice with traps, and a rodent-free office is something that puts a mere egg-giver to shame.

Yoga

In an effort to save money this month, I have opted to do Pocket Yoga.

Guys! Pocket Yoga is an app that’s totally good, even if the voice does say things like “Exheeyale” and even if it does end up going super fast. Also, I miss the idea that my yoga instructor maybe cares about me a little bit, even though that’s probably a fantasy. Although, last time I went to an actual yoga class, my favorite yoga instructor gave me a smooth stone that I still keep in my jacket pocket and mess with when I need calming.

Anyway, Pocket Yoga is worth your $3. I enjoy it very much, and it’s much more advanced than I assumed it would be.

Things I did today that maybe Martha didn’t:

1. Activated water kefir grains
2. Refilled my castille soap
3. Covered seedlings because of very low temperatures

 

Friday, April 1st

Cardio and core

I’m on a perpetual mission to walk everywhere, so I turned Martha’s cardio into “make extra walking efforts today.”

So here I am walking:

 

And here I am planking:

 

Cardio: check. Core: check. April Fool’s Day: this entire thing is a foolish endeavor, so check.

Saturday, April 2nd

Remove burlap from boxwood hedges

It rained so much on Saturday! And I have something resembling a boxwood hedge at the front of my house—I don’t burlap it because a) it does just fine over the winter and b) I’m a regular person. Right now, the bees are loving its tiny flowers.

But anyway, I thought “OK, well it could use a trim, so I shall cut it instead, using these…oh I must have returned the hedge clippers I borrowed or maybe they broke, who can remember?”

So instead, I just…took a picture of my hedge. Check.

Aerate, fertilize, and repair lawns

My lawn(s) is/are a 30 square-foot patch of clover and moss. It probably needs “repairing” more than just “me spreading some clover seed on it because clover attracts bees and requires less mowing.” But it was raining, and aerating would have been a bad idea. My aeration plan was to stick my new pitchfork in the balder patches and then throw some more seed, but maybe next weekend.

Sunday, April 3rd

Add a layer of compost to flower beds

I sort of already did this in that I added a layer of compost to my vegetable containers for soil prep purposes. I should probably do it to the flower beds too, but they kind of don’t exist yet and the ground is all wet.

Man, it sure is easy to not do Martha things!

Horseback ride

Now THIS I can do. Sort of. I don’t have horses (see above about being a regular person), but I do have a dude who likes to go on long drives with me in his car, which probably has “horsepower” involved in it in some way. We got in, headed eastwards, ended up in Colonial Williamsburg, as one does, got some cookies at Raleigh Tavern Bakery, and pointed out that Williamsburg has a lot of horses and people riding upon them. Also we had to dodge horse manure several times on our walk down Duke of Gloucester.

I FEEL LIKE THIS TOTALLY COUNTS.

We also tried really hard to find the defunct mini-city within Elko Tract and the new site of the Presidents Park Heads but came up largely unsuccessful. If Martha had had those on her calendar, life might be more interesting.

 

You know how Martha’s got that wildly intimidating calendar at the beginning of each issue?

Sometimes it enrages us and sometimes it delights us, but this month, it’s going to DICTATE ALL OF MY ACTIONS.

Well, as best I can anyway. I was cruising the calendar, making my scoffs and expostulations heard throughout my neighborhood. And then I was like “What if I just did all this stuff, or get as close to it as I can.”

Would I feel like I was living like Martha? Would I know how frustrating it is to have to worry about your cold frames, your cold creams, and your cold sauces all the time? Or would it feel like a life of put-together near-tyranny?

WE SHALL SEE.

Today, April 1st, simply says “APRIL FOOL’S DAY” and then “Cardio and core.” I figure I’ll get all my steps in, do some planks, and report back tomorrow, when I have to get a lot more creative with “Remove burlap from boxwood hedges.”

 

I’ll cop to the second item on Susan’s list of excuses reasons for our silence: “New Baby.” That’s right. James and I made a cute little human, and thus, applesauce has returned to my life.

Even after years of not eating the stuff, I still can’t tolerate store-bought applesauce, because our mom always made it from scratch (and still does). Georgia would probably not know the difference (not YET anyway), but I enjoy hanging with her in the kitchen, she in her high chair banging wooden spoons on the tray and terrorizing the cats, and me in my apron, making ridiculous faces at her while coring four pounds of Galas.

Bonus benefits: it makes the house smell wonderful, and gives James hope that, after all these years, I am finally into cooking.

I have now made 5 or 6 batches of applesauce, all with different types of apples. Here is what I’ve learned:

• Jonagold apples produce the sweetest applesauce in the land.
• Pink Ladies aren’t bad either.
• Peeling apples sucks, so don’t do it (more on that later).
• Gala apples make boring applesauce.
• A food mill is something you should invest in.
• Adding sugar to this naturally sweet goodness is just overkill.

Essentially, after some experimentation, I’ve taken Martha’s Classic Applesauce and combined it with my mother’s recipe to produce something we’ll call “My Mother’s Applesauce with a Hint of Lemon.”

You’ll Need:

• 3 pounds of apples (Jonagold, Pink Lady, McIntosh, Braeburn are good. No green ones, please, unless you’re into that kind of thing.)
• A giant pot like a dutch oven
• 1/2 cup water
• Lemon
• Cinnamon
• Food mill or wire sieve

You’ll Do:

• Core and chop apples into one inch chunks, LEAVING THE SKINS ON.
• Throw chunks into dutch oven with water over medium heat. Make sure no seeds make it into the pot.
• Squeeze in some lemon. Watch out for those seeds, too.
• Simmer uncovered. When water boils, lower heat and let cook down, uncovered, until apples are soft and falling apart (about 45 minutes).
• Stir occasionally. Play with baby.
• Once apples are soft and falling apart, turn off heat and whip out the food mill. Place that thing over a bowl using the finest setting, and spoon in the apple chunks. This is how you remove the skins from the apples. 
• This part is a little tedious, but you’ll get the hang of it. The payoff is the most beautiful, crimson colored applesauce that tastes and looks way better AND you don’t have to peel the apples.
• Add cinnamon to taste.

These photos are of a batch made with Galas, and it didn’t turn out as perfectly pink and sweet as I wanted it to. Don’t use Galas!

[Editor’s Note: I drafted this three weeks ago but forgot to publish, because FALL IS CRAZY AND NO ONE CAN ENJOY IT PROPERLY.]

In November, Kevin Sharkey recommended stuffing some stray feathers and nuts into a bell jar to decorate for Thanksgiving, like so…

Cut to my dining room sideboard, which sported a VERY SIMILAR feather ‘n glass thing long before Sharkey’s piece.

Bell jar. Wine carafe. Whatever. The thing is too heavy for me to lift, so it gets feathers (apologies to Mike and Ritsuko. It’s still a great gift!)

Point is, Sharkey and I – in addition to using the same skin care products – are basically related.

Last night, Someone Who Will Remain Nameless (whose name rhymes with Romenick) hollered, “Gluten is the Devil!” as I reached for a mini biscuit at a fancy event that rhymes with Mystery Makers, to which I replied, “I just made gluten free brownies this weekend, so back off bub and pass the cheese balls!”   And those brownies were damn good. Possibly because they contain loads of sugar and cornstarch, but not ONE IOTA of gluten. No sir.

Romenick meant well. He really did. I forgive him. Make these today and get in on this gluten hate-fest.

Gluten-Free Fudgy Pecan Brownies